Fake- Randy Curran

Fake. Its a strong word. No one likes fake. Fake friends, fake watches, fake boobs, OK I'll give fake boobs a break, I'm not a completely dead. I'm talking fake parts on a hot rod or custom. You know parts that stick out like a whore in a nunnery. These parts basically say that 'I know what I want but don't have the ability or money to do it so I'll just throw this crap on here and see if it sticks'. Well guess what humpy, it looks ridiculous and everyone from my mother to the second grader down the street can tell something ain't right.

You're probably thinking, lighten up fella, its just a car. Just a car? Thems fightin' words! Nothing is more sacred than the car. That's why it's so disgusting to see something fake on a hot rod. Picture this...a beautiful chopped A coupe, slight channel, your eyes glance across the gloss black paint, you checkout the steelies and white walls and then you notice the engine. Cool, its an Olds Rocket instead of the cliche small block Chevy. But wait...something doesn't seem right. Hey wait that's just a Chevy with fake Olds valve covers! The lazy bastard couldn't be bothered with building a real Olds so he cheaped out and slapped on aftermarket trickery. Blasphemy!

How about the guy/gal that mounts one of those ridiculous fake Hilborn injectors over a carb! Seriously? We're suppose to believe all those fake AN fittings and braided lines? They don't go anywhere! Or better yet the fake roots blower with a couple of Holley's perched on top. Hey guy, I don't see any throttle linkage hooked up. Is this blower magic?

How about fake hood scoops? The hood scoop is suppose to be a device that brings cooler air into the engine or even to let the hot air out of the engine compartment. Do hood scoops look cool? Sure. But for god's sakes if you're going to run a scoop make it functional! If it goes on with 3M tape its not right! That goes for the fake Buick portholes too.

One of the biggest pains is the new-ish line of wheels that are suppose to look like the spindle mounts of the '60s. I love real spindle mount wheels. They just scream bad ass but the new 'fake' versions are just that fake. It basically says, sure we like the originals but we have no idea how to mount them so we'll just run these pieces of fakery. Every so called 'gasser' has those fake twelve spokes up front. It just ruins it. Not to mention the fact I never saw a real gasser with twelve spokes up front anyway.

Also what is up with spotlights. Now I have to say I always thought spotlights really screwed up the lines of a good custom but if you're going to mount them, make 'em work and since were with customs the same thing applies to lake pipes. Make 'em work or don't run 'em.

Recently the word 'patina' has come into the hot rod vernacular. Patina is a part, whether its chrome piece or the whole car, that has aged. It can be little bumps on a hood ornament or paint that has faded away. It can be neat when you see an old coupe or sedan that has been pulled out of a barn and it has that natural (key word here folks, natural) patina on it. You can tell it hasn't been touched in years and its like looking back in time. Now we have people making their new/fresh build look like it has been in the shed for forty years. They carefully sand down certain spots on a fender to reveal the primer, or they take a part and dump it in some acid and to make it look rusty. First off I come from the Midwest, if they want rusty, I can give 'em all the rust they want. Secondly, when the first person did this, it was kinda cool. It was like a full size model but that shark has been jumped. Now you see fiberglass cars with fake rust (HA!) and brand new Mustangs with 'rust wraps'.

Dear lord where did we go wrong.